Crying at 4 am on the ground

I can't get you out of my head. Well, I can never get you out of my head but today your face is burned in my brain. But the thought of you makes my heart ache. It's a pain I've gotten used to, but something about today makes my entire body ache. No one has mentioned your name or at least acknowledge your existence. Instead what I got was dad waving his second beer in the air, claiming its in celebration of you while blabbering to his new girlfriend, probably about something I did. I leave my room and walk towards the living room. I look around and everyone acts like its a regular day. Zoey is watching tv, Sara is sitting on her signature chair on her phone and headphones in, Judah is at work and dad is now drinking his third beer dancing in the kitchen. Not a word is said, no "Hi Hannah," no "How are you?", no "How are you feeling today?" So I just walk back to my room, and lay on my bed.

I've been staring at my wall for hours. I can see the sun going down and my room getting darker. My room feels like a graveyard, during the day I'm visited by guests asking for favors and looking for comfort, but as the night falls, no one dares to come in. I'm left alone in the darkness, the only person to turn to are my thoughts, my least trustworthy ally.

In times of stress I've been told to close my eyes and think of something good, but you're all I see when I close my eyes. And they aren't good memories, the only memories I get are images of you having a seizure on the exact same couch Sara is sitting on right now, images of dad having to hold on to you while you try to walk to your bed because you've completely lost control over your motor skills, images of me trying to explain to Zoey how you left and isn't going to be at her birthday party, images of me holding your hand the night before you left. All the sudden, I'm at a restaurant for our family dinner. Still your name is not mentioned, it's your day though. It's your day and nobody seems to appreciate it. Do they not remember you? Are you some fiction of my imagination? We sit, eat, and leave. Nothing more.

Now I have to go to a sleepover, I don't mind it though, maybe it'll help me get my mind off of you. But instead the exact opposite happens, we had to sing happy birthday to Sara and while I sang I could feel my body getting heavier, the feeling of wanting to curl up and cry just grew stronger and by the end of the night you were all I could think about again. My night didn't end until 4 am. I was sleeping on the ground in the living room, while Sara, my sister, Cameron and Gloria were sound asleep. All you can hear is me, in the corner of the living room, looking at pictures of you, crying on the ground. Still wondering if I will ever get to say your name and not feel sad anymore.

Happy birthday mom.