January Entry

Not to sound dramatic but last month kind of sucked

My year started off with me watching Cats and then suddenly getting sick for 5 days, so if you ask me, that movie is a curse and it's more dangerous than anything I've ever

experienced.

What really brought my month down though was swimming. Since last season was just an absolute shit show, the thought of doing it again for 5 more months made me lose my mind.

For an entire year, kids from the team would constantly ask me whether or not I was swimming, actually let me rephrase that, they wouldn't ask me whether or not I would do it, they would tell me I HAD to do it. They wouldn't even give me an option, and as soon as I said I was considering not doing it, the team had a stroke and they would blow up my phone for days, I wouldn't be left alone until I said I'd do it. What made the entire situation worse was that I didn't want to do it because of how horrible last year was, and they knew that.

I spent a whole year babysitting an entire team that had no respect for the coach or even love for the sport and just had the worst attitude I've ever seen. My coach was busy trying to manage an entire team, so I'd be left taking care of the drama and complaints the team had, and making sure they were all solved. None of the team captains were there for support so I was left alone, with a team who didn't respect me or the coach.

By the end of the season I was physically and emotionally drained. I honestly couldn't believe that this was the same team that got me through my mom's death. They expected me to be this idea of a perfect leader that I could never live up too. So instead I decided that I just couldn't go on like this. A lot of thought has gone into this, but after several talks I've had with my friends and family, I quit the team. It was a hard decision since I've been swimming for almost 8 years now, but I know that it wouldn't be good for my mental health.

Although this year is a new team, deep inside I knew that in the end, I would've been pushed over the edge again and that's the last thing I want for my senior year. I've only told a couple of people that I quit, but the swim kids are starting to figure it out, and they aren't taking it well. They still want me around as an assistant coach, and that sounds amazing but if I'm cutting swim off this year, I think I should cut it off completely, because being there just reminds me that I'll never be the amazing team captain they all want me to be.